Today you are 6

Dear Katie Grace,

Today you are 6.

This day 6 years ago you blew into our world, according to us you were 2 weeks late, however you were perfectly on your time.  A time frame we continued to live on all the days we had you.

If I were being forthright I am not quite sure how to celebrate you today.  Last year was simply the 1st year and it was so mixed with the beauty and sadness of your graduation, I think we just got by.  This second year seems to demand something different from me, its like a call from within to know how we are going to remember you every year.  You  know what would be the most like you, is to make the tradition a thing we revisit every year.  To be consistently inconsistent.  I mean for all who knew you, they know, that was your MO in life.  Grammie and I always said if you were anything but tenacious, it was consistently inconsistent.

We miss you here.  Although we are joyful always in where you are and who you are with, our flesh can’t help but miss your presence.  Your brother misses you sooo much.  He is continually asking us for another sibling,  we are doing our best but maybe you and the Lord can send us some help on that one.  You left an imprint on his heart that I don’t know if we will ever see the fullness of until he is grown.

This year has held a lot of changes for us, we have rested in a way we haven’t in years.  Our little family of three has connected and grown in who we are.  We have you to thank for that on many levels.  I believe a part of your destiny was to come and love us until death with every piece of you so that we had the opportunity to step into who we are.  You are ingrained into us, and as much as we try we can’t help but talk about you.  About who we are because of you, about what we know because of you, about how we were and are loved because of you. If you hadn’t said yes, and let this day be your birthday, we wouldn’t have had that opportunity.

Thank you baby girl for saying yes to life today.  To coming on your own time and doing life on your own terms.  For choosing us as your family and gracing us with your presence.

We love you with all of us.

Momma, Daddy and Isaac.

 

Perception of Expectations

Do you ever have those moments in life when you think people expect you to think or feel a certain way?  Like somehow you “know” what is expected, so you try to be that.  Then you become awkward inside because you don’t actually think/feel those things and instead of just stepping into what you do think/feel you kind of numb your feelings.

Oh you don’t?  Maybe it’s just a me thing.  It happens to me every once in a while and it happened with processing this grief.  When Katie Grace graduated, I thought that people expected me to be heartbroken. Like gut-wrenched, heart ripped out broken,  But I wasn’t.  I didn’t realize I wasn’t.  It took me almost a week and a half to process, and this is what I discovered.

I have been gut-wrenched, heart ripped out broken for the past 4 years.  I lunged into grieving while Katie Grace was still with us. I knew her season with us was not a long one. I wanted to breathe in every bit of pain and suffering not just so I was able to embrace life with her but also so that come the day of graduation, I could rejoice. I craved being able to celebrate her Homecoming and not just mourning my loss.

I am not sad my daughter is running wild through the fields of heaven.

I am not sad she is painting the skies with Jesus.

I am not sad that she is fully restored body and spirit.

I am not sad that she is praying for us and cheering for us while we run the rest of our race.

I am not sad that she whispers words of strength to me in my prayer times.

I am not sad that I have gotten to see her in my mind’s eye in a way I wasn’t able to for the last 4 years.

I am no longer gut-wrenched heart ripped out broken.

Please don’t misunderstand what I say…I miss her like crazy.

I miss her smiles that she so selectively gave out.

I miss her sweet soft cheeks.

I miss her red hair.

I miss her presence in our life.  She brought such a love to our home by simply being.

I miss her little sounds.

I miss watching her brother love on her.

I simply miss.

But I am not sad.

Again please don’t misunderstand, I don’t have this all figured out. This grief thing is weird.  Its like I am on the inside of huge emotional snowball as it rolls down a hill and I have no idea what feeling I am going to have at any given moment.  I find myself having feelings I didn’t know you could. It’s just that through it all the standing feeling, the one holding me through this snowball of emotion is not one of sadness but one of  joy.

My daughter came into this world to be a conqueror of pain.  To walk through suffering with purity (meaning of her first name), grace(her middle name), and joy.  I want to uphold that.

I want to reflect what she has taught me.  Suffering doesn’t kill us, giving into hopelessness, despair, and anger…that’s what kills us.

It is good that I miss my daughter and it is good that I rejoice over her graduation.  The minute I laid down my perceptions of others expectations, I walked into a freedom.  I stepped back onto the path I was running with Katie Grace.  I stepped back into conquering pain.

And I heard her voice say “Good job Momma. Good job.”

 

 

Christmas in pictures

Whew!!
We made it through Christmas! It was amazing and busy and relaxing all at the same time. I hope you all had a fantastic holiday.
Here are some pictures from our Christmas morning!

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A month goes by REALLLY REALLLY fast!

I can’t believe it has more than a month since I have taken the time to sit and write. I guess that is just how life goes sometimes. I thought about writing about what we have been up to for this past month, then I realized I don’t have three hours and neither do you probably. I am going to do the next best thing….post pictures. Maybe make a comment or two because I can’t help myself.

Who couldn’t start with this picture.  And yes that is a doggie door 🙂

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My mom can garden with the best of them!

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Some gardening renovations…this bird bath was white and is now yellow and holds a very beautiful flower!

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We had a special family Valentines day dinner. Isaac opted for hot dogs instead of steak.  I know…it’s a question I might not ever be able to anwser…why hot dogs?

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Baby girl wanted to go see all of her friends at Mercy Hospital…so we had an almost four-day stay there.  It was very exciting and fun and boring….ALL at the same time.  I think she just likes to lay around in her diaper.  I tell her she can do that at home…apparently she doesn’t believe me.

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My boy and I were able to sneak in some snuggles the night that Daddy took a shift at the hospital.  I tell ya this boy hangs in there with us and all we handle.  Couldn’t have asked for a better first-born!

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Then Charles and I got to go the south for an amazing five-day vacation with some unbelievable phenomenal friends.  It was a glorious time full of laughter, deep talks, tears, food, and snow.

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She welcomed us back with a week worth of intense morning seizures.  So much so this momma actually called daddy home one morning.  That doesn’t happen a lot.

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This is what she looks like in the morning now. Seizure free and sleeping. Praise the Lord!

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Aunt Jessie came by for a quick visit.

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That of course called for pedicures.

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Then jury duty.

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More gardening.  Dug this huge bush up out the ground.

Then a trip to my place of refuge:

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That basically sums up our last month.  I might need a nap.

 

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