This blog has been rumbling around in my head for pretty close to the last 6 months. I have written it and re-written yet never put a word on paper. Today the words urged themselves to be spoken, to taken from the rumbling whirlwind of my mind and laid out bare. In many ways, this is more of an update to where life has taken us, there might be something deep and profound in the storytelling, I honestly never know until the words place themselves outside of me.
Here we go.
When Charles and I moved to Charlotte, we decided to get serious about having more children. We have always wanted to have more, it was something we hadn’t been preventing since Katie Grace was about 3. It just never happened. It was easy to understand why…we were stressed, tired, grieving, life was handing us situations we had no idea how to handle. It was simple to just let the months go by and not question, why I wasn’t pregnant. So we did. We did until Charlotte until we realized those months have become years and 40 wasn’t that far away for me. We really had to start wondering. We needed to start processing and taking a more proactive stance if we were going to be serious about having another child.
We did. We did the whole medical route. We gave lots of blood, took lots of tests, and ran the gambit that the medical community has set up to hopefully give you answers. It gave us answers. At the end of the day, it’s me. It’s my body. At now 39 I am just on the lower end of normal fertility for women my age. It’s simple genetics. Charles and I without intervention have a 5% chance of getting pregnant on our own.
I can write that easily now but it hit us like a ton of bricks in the summer when we were getting all the answers. Oddly enough we were in Redding when we got the information, surrounded and wrapped up in that amazing blanket of the community who held us through all of our hard things. It was a God-send as we processed the information. As we let our hearts cry and grieve, and be irrational. We gave ourselves 48 hours to let it be the biggest deal it could be and then we breathed, we gathered ourselves and decided to move forward. To look into what fertility options were out there for us.
That has been our journey since the summer. There are so many steps involved in getting fertility treatments, and there were more options than I had realized. As we have walked this path, making conscious choices about what we doing and where we are going, I came to realize I was still holding onto Katie Grace, unable to let her go on a deeper level. If you know me at all, you would know letting go is not my strength. AT ALL! I just sit with something until it resolves in a way that works for me if I can’t find a resolve I just can’t release it. I have no idea why this is how I work, it has always been me though. I had to have a conversation with her about having another child. I wouldn’t say I was seeking her approval yet there is a level of it that I was. I needed to know in my heart that having another wasn’t betraying her, or leaving her behind. Although we have tucked her away into our hearts and carried on with life…there was something in my heart that told me having another child made moving on finite. It would be a monumental life move she wasn’t moving on with us in and my heart couldn’t take the thought of it.
I found her in that place that I go to in my mind when I need to see her cheeks and hear her heart and we had a chat. I can’t tell you all the things we talked about in that space but I can tell you as always she changed my perspective. She showed me how deeply I was still holding onto her, trying to preserve her in the world she has already left. It was my fleshes way of not letting her die, I wish there was better language to use to explain but there really isn’t. My literal flesh, the one that carried her in my womb, that gave her every ounce of goodness first while she grew inside me, the one that went with sleepless nights, that one that still carries parts of her DNA within me, that one was trying to keep her alive still. So I let my momma’s heart grieve again with her in that space. I let it cry out for the loss of everything it couldn’t do to save her. I let it weep over the choices it had to make that were contrary to the fibers of its core. I let myself connect and breathe deep with that momma’s heart that I had to put on hold in order to take care of Katie Grace. We grieved again and I let go on another level.
Do you know what I found?
Letting go is giving me the freedom to have more of her. She hasn’t fallen behind but she’s gone ahead. She is cheering us on and watching us as we run this race. The preservation of her in my heart keeps her locked in the past, yet releasing her, realizing that this next level of life and moving on is good, it frees her to come with us. I know now that if we have another child if these treatments work and the miraculous shows up, that child won’t be missing the love of a sister they never met. Instead, they will spend a lifetime being loved by her through the people she loved and changed the most. And that just seems right.
We are in our second round of treatment. The first one didn’t work. It was okay, we were sad and we were okay. It’s going to be a process and a journey as life always is. It’s wild as I sit in waiting rooms to see the variety of people there waiting also. Our stories so different and still the same. In my short time on this journey, I can tell you this infertility knows no ethnicity, no financial status, no weight issues, no age. It is it’s own beast, demanding its own journey.
So here is to the journey, to the moving on so that we might have the more, of the good times and the rough times, for they are both essential to the fullness of life.