That’s how old I am turning today, like 2 years away from 40, 38.
In all honesty, I am not afraid of aging, and I have my mom to thank for that. She has made aging fun and instilled in me a firm belief it is just a number.
But know what I was afraid of:
That I wasn’t “far enough” in life for being 38. Like there is this magical place called “far enough” and I should be living there with my house, 4 kids, dog, horses, and husband.
That my failure parenting is directly linked to the fact that I am three years into parenting an only child and I am still uncomfortable in my skin with it. That Isaac and I live in a limbo of not enough because there should always be just more than one.
That I am failing on a level of life because the stability of my childhood is clearly lacking in my presentdayhood. ( I know that’s not a word, I just made it up because it makes a good point).
Know what I figured out today?
Childhood is a box I am still using to judge the value of my presentdayhood against and it isn’t fair to me. Where I once lived and where I live presently don’t share enough common ground to be placed upon the scales of life to see if they carry the same worth. Where I once one was awesome and where I am today is awesome. There is no greater, better or best.
Living life isn’t always about recreating what you once had. It can be about embracing a new thing. Erasing the lines of the boxes that once gave you stability, to create an unknown and in that unknown create stability.
I am more comfortable in my skin, in understanding who I am, then I have ever been. And not in one of those so therefore where I am in life is a justified type of ways. But simply stated I am. I like me a whole lot more, no comparison needed.
I am okay with where I am. I don’t want to stay here always, I also don’t know where I want to go. I am no longer 100% sure what “stability” looks like for our family. It simply could be that no matter where we are, we are always home. Whether its a home, an apt, a townhome, or a camper. Stability simply could mean, that no matter where we are, we are present, to the fullest, soaking up every moment. Learning from every uncomfortable spot, leaning into what the present has for us.
The parenting thing, in all honesty, is another beast. One my heart couldn’t quite wrestle with today. I don’t know if peace about Isaac being an “only” will be a thing for me. I shelved that one today, and maybe one day I will take it down. Look at it, take it apart, and let the Lord help me put it back together. Not today though.
Today I took the eraser that is grace and revelation and wiped out some lines that boxed my world. That held me to an unspoken standard in the present, taken from a life experience of the past.
Today I turned 38.