You know what I have discovered since February?
I am way more of a survivalist then I am a person who rests.
These last few months I have put myself to finding peace in this resting in the pain process, to trusting that I won’t be swallowed by it or overwhelmed with it to the point of drowning; and you know what?? I much prefer the feelings that come with having the capacity to keep moving. I prefer the ability to drown out some of the hard stuff so that you can push through and keep your feet moving. There is a worth I find in it as if the ability to move forward gives me value. I have no idea if there is truth in that thought. I just know that moving forward is my favorite.
Sitting still is not.
The Lord and I just last week were having a conversation about it. By conversation I mean I was looking up as if up is where He lives and bellyaching. Listing all my complaints about the last two years and especially highlighting the last couple months. I went on for awhile. When it was over and I allowed silence to take up space around me, He filled it with a simple phrase.
“I am just asking you to sit in the pocket”
Now I know enough about football to know that football was what was begin referenced. I don’t know enough about football to know what on earth He was meaning. I am one of those I watch football and ask questions about why they do what they do to learn and also will most likely ask you that same question the next game watch because I didn’t actually retain what you were saying kind of people. Charles is a really patient man. According to Wikipedia, the passing pocket is a term used in American football to describe the area in the backfield created on a passing play where the offensive line forms a wall of protection around the quarterback. This allows him adequate time to find an open receiver and to pass the ball. My interpretation, space and time created by those around to do what you have practiced doing. Or leaning into the movement of the play trusting yourself in the process of what needs to happen. Or embracing the stillness believing in its necessity before making the required move. Or….. Or… Or…. add a thousand different scenario’s to describe at the end of the day, all I hear the Lord saying is the same thing He said months ago. Trust the process, lean into the pain, believe in who you are and be still.
I don’t like it.
I didn’t really prefer it months ago and as I have tried this staying still, I still don’t prefer it. I can’t seem to quite find that value that moving on gives me, that sense of worth that tells me I am okay. I don’t know why I can’t find it in the waiting as much as I can in the moving. Maybe it’s training from life, maybe its a deficiency in perspective, maybe its a lasting survival skill holding out to make sure I make it. I don’t know but what I can see now, is that not finding worth in the waiting is denying me the ability to trust the process and myself.
It’s not like I sit in a dark apartment, blinds drawn, world blocked out, lost in tears of pain. Life is going, blinds are opened every morning, the grocery list is made every week, shopping happens every week, clothing gets washed and put away, the apartment gets cleaned. Phone conversations are had, books are read, family time takes place. I am just more awakened to our limits, my limits. Sitting in the pocket means that sometimes I don’t write for 2 weeks as I grind through a revelation or perception change. That possibly despite meal planning, Thursday fast food is dinner simply because I don’t have it in me to cook. Or Saturday’s are reserved for movies ALL day. More difficult to face I have to confront that my family doesn’t do too many outings, and if I overbook, we will not show up to something, simply because we don’t have it emotionally. And that is what gets me, that is where survival screams “you are quitting”. It is where insecurity demands movement because it can’t trust that just being will provide life.
Maybe in the madness of this journey, in understanding and fighting for the peace to sit in the pocket; maybe what I am understanding is survival demands that all you detect when you look around is the surety of death. That perspective only allows you room to be on the defense, to be finding a way out of that surety, to survive. Rest though, rest demands trust. The pocket is created by the offensive team, not defensive. It means you trust those around you to do their job, to protect you, to give you the time to scan the field and see the play. It demands you trust yourself to not just see the play, and believe you can make it, but also trust the time you need in the pocket.
Maybe at some point, my eyes will see that trust is movement, that there is worth in the ability to trust the process, and that rest at the end of the day brings life. It restores what used to survive. It is a part of the process of recovery so that life does keep moving and you keep moving healthier within it.
So here I am going to sit, right here in this pocket that I have been provided, no matter how hard the survivalist in me demands movement. I am going to stay and learn not just how to be still, but to recover so that as I move forward I am moving to a healthier me.