Valentine’s

I had a doctors appointment yesterday. It’s a new doctor so we had to cover the whole Katie Grace story and she asked me “How are you and your husband doing?

The look of surprise when I told her that our journey with Katie Grace actually strengthened our relationship revealed to me again the enigma that is us.

In the whole scheme of how they tell us the world works, we shouldn’t be where are. We shouldn’t love each other the way that we do. We shouldn’t be as committed as we are.

I get it. We actually shouldn’t. There is no real reason why we should have the common ground that we do, it’s not like we spent years getting to know one another, nor did we even date.  No one would hold us to fault if we just tapped out of our marriage. They would hear the story, look back at how we tried to make it work, and not blame us for giving up.

That isn’t us though, is it? We are tenacious to the end.  Unwilling to relent to quitting. We fight as hard for our marriage as we do when we fight in our marriage. That is who we are individually and it has become who are together. This formidable force of two people, who tenaciously just fight for what they believe.

I asked my Aunt and Uncle, once years ago, when I was in my late 20’s and still single. They were years into their marriage, and he was slowly dying of cancer. I asked them, “Why do it. Marriage looks so hard and people tell me how hard it is. So why do it?” They looked at each, locked eyes, smiled kindly like they were having a conversation where words weren’t needed. After a minute my Uncle looks at me and says…”Because it is worth it.”

There was no way for me to fully grasp the power and truth of his words.  No experience of my life had displayed to me what he had said. They could only be words that I trusted, not an experience I had touched.

Until now.

Charles David, we are a messy tenacious couple.  We fight with as much passion as we live. The journey life handed me was not one my heart could ever prepare for. I didn’t dream of a partner who would run the race with me, I wasn’t sure I would ever find one, or actually that I wanted one.  Single and dating was kind of my jam.  The intimacy of marriage always scared me. Letting my uncle words become not just trusted but touched petrified me, yet here I am, entrenched deep in the experience of it being worth it.  We don’t have our shit together, we literally make it up day by day. Sometimes we hold our breath, hold hands, and just hope we are doing it well. Sometimes we are comfortable in our skin, knowing that we are excelling at this thing that is our life together.  Some days I irritate you to no end. Some days your adolescent humor makes me question my commitment to you. Who I am as a person has changed and continues to change. I have stepped into more of who I am and let go parts of me I tenaciously held onto, you have loved me every step of the way making room for the deconstruction and the mess it causes. You have changed also, some of it we talk about freely, others are still in process require a delicacy that I have learned to give you.  The space giving and the tenacity, those are our actions that hold up our I love you’s. They are the movement behind our I am in this not just because, but because it is worth it.

So this Valentine’s Day, I just want to say, Thank you for being my worth it. I love you.

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