I have written this post at least 4 times in my mind and each time I have started it with:
Captains Log 437.
Why? I have no idea why, it surely stuck though, so much so that I had to figure out how to get it in there without actually starting my blog with Captain’s Log 437.
I had a revelation today while I was making my comeback to my morning pages. I say making a comeback because technically I have not done my morning pages since Thursday and it authentically seems like a comeback. I wasn’t super keen on writing my pages this morning either, however I have now publicly taken a stand against that lethargy and am compelled do to something about it. So I wrote…..and wrote….and wrote. It felt so good once I put my hand to that paper and got to page 2. All the feelings that I allowed to hold me back from writing were all of a sudden on the paper. Then this thought me, it was like a missing puzzle piece was subtly and strategically placed back.
If you have read my blog at all, you might have read a post I wrote called Present. Where I had this intense conversation with the Lord about how I haven’t allowed the relationships in my life to be what they are. He showed me that when I get scared I take my experiences from the past and I write that story into the future. (Just click the title above to read the whole post, it’s a good one. Life changing if you ask me 😉 ) Believe it or not, I do the same thing with being a creative. I am almost always looking at the long game, gazing at the what is to come. I have this script of “I am not good enough” that I wrote a long time ago, and when I hit a present moment of I can, I get scared. Then I reach way back pick up that script, and I throw in into my future allowing it to take my thoughts down this path: What if I write a book? What if I talk to people about the book? I don’t know my scripture really well. Sometime I cuss when I talk. Sometimes I talk about the uncomfortable thing because it doesn’t bug me. What if I do all those sometimes things in front of the people who read my book. What does that mean. I can’t do that. Also I don’t have enough words to write a book. What would the point of my book be. On and on and on I let my brain go until that script becomes the chains that keep me stuck.
Here is the truth that I found today in my little revelation. When I write a book, I don’t know what kind of book it will be. I don’t know if it will be long or short. I don’t know if it will be about me or Katie Grace. I don’t know if anybody will read the book, okay well I know some who will read the book because they have already pre-ordered a copy. I am not sure if I will ever speak on the book. I am not sure if anything will ever become of this book. What I do know is that I want to write a book. I am called to create with my words, and if I spend my life throwing into the future a falsely written script from the past, I am missing it. I am missing the beauty of being present. I am missing the beauty of the process.
I don’t want to miss it anymore.
Here is to being present and staying present.