180 days otherwise known as the 6 month mark.

Dear Katie Grace,

Its 6 months to the day today daughter. I woke up thinking of you and I let my mind wander, giving myself moments to grieve. I pictured your wedding day. How stunning you would be on that day. How you would lovingly gaze at your dad as you matched his awkward dance moves for the father daughter dance. How you would look in wonder at your new husband. Then I thought of the birth of your first child. Of course I pictured myself in the room, cause I would have wanted to be that mom. The one you could trust and would want to be there. I imagined what it would be like to watch you fall in love with your children and how my heart would feel to see that wonder and beauty. And I cried.

And cried.

And then I reminisced about our time together. Like when we used to go to your physical therapy appointments. You would be wide awake the whole way there, and right up until the moment when Patty would ask you to do work, and then bam you would fall asleep. Not that like I am pretending to sleep sleep but that deep won’t wake up for anything sleep. Or how you fell in love with the freezer section at Target. A simple breeze from the open door, made you smile so huge. You loved anything naked and cold. The way you relaxed with the swaying of a boat, or the rhythm of waves in the water. How like your dad, you loved the outdoors. Except only on cold days.

As I processed this morning daughter, you know what I realized. I realized how much I want you to be proud of me. More than the memories lost, or the memories made, I want you to know that I doing something with the gift you gave me. I realize how much you saw in me. That you came into this world so full of heaven, so full of vision of who I was. I couldn’t see it when you were here. I got glimpses but I couldn’t fully grab onto what you were doing. Today, as I have breathed in these truth, as I have had understanding pour over me, I see how you were slowly changing me. How you were loving into me the person who you knew from the vision of heaven. My shortcomings never hindered your vision, and it has changed me. My desire to grow in confidence is stronger than it has ever been. How could I not want to be the confident person your presence required me to be? I fight hard to stay present, something you lived before me your entire life. I practice daily, not writing my past into my future, and you know what, it is bringing freedom my heart has longed for. I am seeing chains of fear in my life that I hadn’t had eyes to see and I am running after changing it. I am loosening fear’s grip, and it is because of you daughter. All my moments of victory lead back to you. You who always led me back to the Lord. You who loved me with His vision of who I am.
As I look at 180 days today….the 6 month mark. I hope you are looking down with pride.

I love you forever, I love you always.

Your Momma

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