I had a chance to participate in a intimate time of worship with a small group of people a couple of weeks ago. As I sat there soaking in the presence of the Lord, I heard him say:
“Where you found my heartbeat in the cadence of Katie Grace steps,
you will need to lean into me deeper and hear my heart.
For in my heartbeat is the cadence of her steps.”
I have sat with this word on my heart ever since. It just lingers over it sometimes soaking into it but mostly its like I can’t quite fully allow my heart to understand. I don’t know why really. I don’t know what I am afraid of. I don’t know is actually my phrase of the past couple months. I feel as if I am between two places…happy and sad. Joyful and mourning. On top of things and overwhelmed. All the time. I want so badly to just settle on one feeling. Can I just be overwhelmed with joy that my daughter is set free? Blown away by the mercy and grace of the Lord, taken over with his surreal and powerful love? Without any of the sadness? Without feeling any of the loss? Without aching to hold her one more time? Without saying to Jesus I am the slightest bit jealous you get her whole and I didn’t?
I am afraid the answer is no. I can’t have those things without also feeling the sadness. I can’t be simply overpowered by God’s surreal and powerful love without the aching to hold my daughter one more time. I can’t. It is the aching that creates the understanding of how surreal and powerful God’s love is. How can I be blown away by his mercy and grace if I don’t allow room for jealousy that He gets her whole and I didn’t. How do I let him into my humanity, if I don’t allow myself to be human? How do I lean deeper into his chest and hear his heartbeat, if there is nothing pushing me into it?
We all have things that push us deeper into the Lord. Some of us revelations. Some of us experiences with him that create a desire. Some of us its just a simple gift. Mine has been suffering. I have long understood the answer to all pain was the Lord. Not that that instantly meant everything was healed….His goodness just changed the experience. I can’t be on one side of the fence because this middle ground pushes me into him. It pushes me to seek after him and in this season, as he is writing the last chapter of Katie Grace’s story, it is his heart for me to push into him.
So here I sit in this place. Firmly planted on this fence, slightly frustrated and learning to be open. I am happy and sad. I am full of joy and mourning. I am on top of things and overwhelmed. I am pressing into the Lord’s chest, leaning in as much as I can to hear the cadence of my daughters steps. To find my new pace.