Do you ever have those moments in life when you think people expect you to think or feel a certain way? Like somehow you “know” what is expected, so you try to be that. Then you become awkward inside because you don’t actually think/feel those things and instead of just stepping into what you do think/feel you kind of numb your feelings.
Oh you don’t? Maybe it’s just a me thing. It happens to me every once in a while and it happened with processing this grief. When Katie Grace graduated, I thought that people expected me to be heartbroken. Like gut-wrenched, heart ripped out broken, But I wasn’t. I didn’t realize I wasn’t. It took me almost a week and a half to process, and this is what I discovered.
I have been gut-wrenched, heart ripped out broken for the past 4 years. I lunged into grieving while Katie Grace was still with us. I knew her season with us was not a long one. I wanted to breathe in every bit of pain and suffering not just so I was able to embrace life with her but also so that come the day of graduation, I could rejoice. I craved being able to celebrate her Homecoming and not just mourning my loss.
I am not sad my daughter is running wild through the fields of heaven.
I am not sad she is painting the skies with Jesus.
I am not sad that she is fully restored body and spirit.
I am not sad that she is praying for us and cheering for us while we run the rest of our race.
I am not sad that she whispers words of strength to me in my prayer times.
I am not sad that I have gotten to see her in my mind’s eye in a way I wasn’t able to for the last 4 years.
I am no longer gut-wrenched heart ripped out broken.
Please don’t misunderstand what I say…I miss her like crazy.
I miss her smiles that she so selectively gave out.
I miss her sweet soft cheeks.
I miss her red hair.
I miss her presence in our life. She brought such a love to our home by simply being.
I miss her little sounds.
I miss watching her brother love on her.
I simply miss.
But I am not sad.
Again please don’t misunderstand, I don’t have this all figured out. This grief thing is weird. Its like I am on the inside of huge emotional snowball as it rolls down a hill and I have no idea what feeling I am going to have at any given moment. I find myself having feelings I didn’t know you could. It’s just that through it all the standing feeling, the one holding me through this snowball of emotion is not one of sadness but one of joy.
My daughter came into this world to be a conqueror of pain. To walk through suffering with purity (meaning of her first name), grace(her middle name), and joy. I want to uphold that.
I want to reflect what she has taught me. Suffering doesn’t kill us, giving into hopelessness, despair, and anger…that’s what kills us.
It is good that I miss my daughter and it is good that I rejoice over her graduation. The minute I laid down my perceptions of others expectations, I walked into a freedom. I stepped back onto the path I was running with Katie Grace. I stepped back into conquering pain.
And I heard her voice say “Good job Momma. Good job.”