I am snuggled up with my mens’..quietly typing this as their snoring fills the darkened room. If I were being super transparent with you all I would tell you….I expected myself to handle grief better. I keep thinking we all knew this was coming. I knew this was coming. I knew death and I would face off. So I tried to mourn when I could along the journey. I let myself cry the tears of what I would miss with her. Friends, school, talking, prom dresses, periods, weddings, and grand babies. I even allowed myself to mourn the things I missed on a daily basis…her voice, just waking up from a nap snuggles, sweet kisses, and baby giggles. I mourned the loss for Isaac as her big brother. It was as if I trained for handling her death (or graduation as we like to call it) like a marathon and when race day …..I froze. My mind is blank and instead of emotions going on automatic running like I trained them…I just stand there stunned by grief.
My mind sounded a bit like this this morning: I want to go to the gym? Nah I don’t really want to go to the gym. It feels weird to be doing normal life without KG here. I ache for a normal though. I should go to the gym. I don’t want to go to the gym? I will feel better if I go to the gym. Maybe I won’t feel better cause it still hard to be out there where everybody’s normal is normal and mine isn’t. But how can I make a new normal unless I do things. Gosh I just miss her. I feel so numb though also. But I miss her.
You irritated yet reading it? Cause I was super irritated doing it! In case you want to know…I didn’t go to the gym. I worked on getting KGs memorial set up. So bless anybody that talked to me this morning! You know who you are 😉 .
By 10:30am I was enough of a mess that when my mom suggested Charles, Isaac and I get out of town for a bit, it seemed like the only logical answer. We went North, where in a matter of minutes we were surrounded with trees much larger then us and mountains even bigger. Music played in the background.
“May we never lose our wonder.
Wide eyed and mystified may I be just like a child staring at her king.
May we never lose our wonder.
Cause you are beautiful in all your ways.
May we never lose our wonder.” -Amanda Cook Bethel Music Brave
We drove not talking but singing. My mind went silent and I saw my head upon the Fathers chest. I am a mess. Grief met me at the beginning of this marathon and I was not ready. I don’t know if I would have ever been ready. All that I planned for I surely didn’t plan for this. I took a deep breath inhaling his peace as I used to with Katie Grace and whispered “but I am not mad. May I never lose my wonder.”
And I knew my heart understood something. I may not have been prepared for grief like I thought I was. I may not be hitting automatic and running like I thought I trained myself but I am. Just like at the beginning of Katie Grace life there is not one part of this journey that has separated my heart from the Lord. He was my hope and strength in the beginning, middle and right now. I have not turned my heart, mind or eyes from him. He has sustained me and continues to sustain me. He is soaking up my processing, delighting in it because he loves how he created me. He aches with my aches, hurts with my hurts and he loves every inch of me! His only desire for me is to do the one thing I was doing…leaning into his chest and breathing in peace.
I am not doing grief well. However I am embracing Him well and in that I am embracing my precious daughter and her legacy well.
I am a few days in, a mess, and it is okay.