It has been an interesting journey back to any kind of normal for us. Charles and I have grown accustom to it taking us time to emotionally and physically recover from hospital stays. It is a part of the journey. This time was different though. There was a bleakness that seemed to linger over us. We were getting up, starting our day, grocery shopping, going to work, family dinners, working on house projects, catching up with friends, etc. etc. etc. It was just hard. Like each movement was a step closer to an end we know is coming. Last Monday was the first day I had felt any kind of normalcy.
Sitting in the stillness of that normalcy, I grasped a piece of why this recovery time was different. It was 5 days of talking about the passing of my daughter in such a practical way. It was the various discussions with this doctor and that doctor, with this nurse and that nurse, the rational conversations between Charles and I. It wasnt that we didn’t have our breakdowns and “lose it moments” , they were just few and far between. There isn’t a bunch of room for breakdowns when you are doing long-term care, especially when you are in the hospital. When you get those moments for breakdowns they are like these gaps of air, a bubble of space provided for you to just lose it..to breakdown and cry….to say all the things that scare you…all the things that hurt you…all the loss you feel. Then the bubble moves and life goes on. You begin to breathe everybody else’s air…..the life moves on air…. and you have to be practical.
When we are home there are a lot more bubbles and a little less of everybody’s air.
This is what made this time different…at home there was more of everybody else air. Katie Grace care requires it of us. You see we want to be prepared for her graudation. We want to make sure that there is as little stress as possible and that requires practicality today. Practicality that requires phone calls to funeral homes, discussions of cremation or burial, if we bury her can I live in another state with her body laid to rest in California? questions, preparation to sell the house, not placing Isaac in private school, finanically trying to save…etc. etc. Practical steps and questions.
Many of the big financial decisions that Charles and I made were for the better for Katie Grace. She needed more space for equipment, nurses, teachers, so we bought a house. She needed a smoother ride down to Sacramento so it didn’t wear her out so much….so we bought a newer van. I wish I could say that we could do those things because Charles and I were so smart and had a savings and huge emergency fund. Wish I could tell you we fell in love with Dave Ramsey years ago…..however we didn’t. That’s a whole other story….if your dying to know you can read alittle about it by clicking on the Charles and Katie page . We started late in the game of life. By the grace of God he opened a door of provision that provided for us to do what we needed to be able to take the best care of Katie Grace. That way was with IHSS, a service originally set-up for the elderly to be able to stay at home and be cared for by family members but became extended to families like ours. It has blessed us alot. It has complimented Charles income to help us be able to provide the things that Katie Grace has needed. We know that when she graudates, we will lose IHSS, and that within itself is fine. Practicality calls us to be prepared though. I don’t want to ask my 6 or 7 year old to bury his sister and then have to move. I don’t want to be emotionally recovering from her graduation and job searching at the same time to simply make bills. I don’t want to try to figure out how we are going to pay for her “graduation cermoney”. We want to be able to celebrate. We want it to be about her and her life and what she has done and who she is.
So we are being practical now. As much as we can emotionally and financially throw at getting the house ready for sale, we are. We are storing as much as we can also into savings. All of our steps at this point are practical steps towards a graduation we know is coming. Bubbles of everbody else’s air.
All I want to do is forget practicality. I want be free. I want to plan trips. I want a money tree to grow in my backyard….so I can just grab what I need and go. I want to take a train ride down to Southern California for Christmas, rent a house and spend what could possibly be our last Christmas together surrounded by my sister and her kids. I want to see Katie Grace face as she rocks with the motion of the train….share in the views…watch her and Isaac travel together. I want to take her to Seattle. To have her bundled up in the cold….her favorite thing ever. I want to take her to Mt. Shasta….sled with her…have her be there to watch her brother possibly learn to ski.
I want to reject practicality and just live. Build memories. Moments that I will treasure until my graduation day comes.
Life demands though. Responsibility’s require. Practicality insist that we plan.
So we will. We keep moving on….breathing in the everybody else’s practical air.