I have prayed many things during this journey with Katie Grace. Healings, miracles, grace, abundance, understanding, and I have prayed for the ability to run this race well. I want to get to heaven and hear the Lord say, Well done good and faithful servant; you let not the sadness and broken things of this world stop you from living life.
Faithfully God answered one of my prayers. In his true fashion he did not answer it in a way that I thought he would.
You see, I have separated living life and Katie Grace on some level. She doesn’t always prefer to go places and she isn’t the easiest to pack for. Also, for the first year and half of life she was so fragile, it was risky to take her places. The work of taking her and her fragileness made it easy to chose to leave her at home and to continue on with life outside of her. I didn’t really realize I was doing. I was just living. When I went to friends house I went without her, when I went grocery shopping I went without her, school runs for Isaac, church…etc etc. I didn’t mean to leave her behind but I did.
And what the Lord showed me recently is that running my race well with my daughter, is to live while running. It is to include her in my life. To do the hard things so that she experiences life. I don’t want to miss out on seeing her see the world. I want to see the world with her. I want to see her face when the ocean touches her toes, I want to see her response to a big city like Seattle, I want to take pictures with her in the Redwoods, I want her fingers to touch moss and wood and smell the deep piney smell. I want to get to heaven and be able to reminiscence over all the things we experienced together.
Here is the thing though, I realized as the Lord wrecked my heart about living life with my daughter.
I am so scared. The more I experience with her, the greater my loss if I lose her. It’s one of those double edge swords. The more memories I have to remember her with….then again the more memories means the more I knew I her and the more I have lost.
I can see where I have kept my relationship with her sterile on some levels. We share in sterile doctors office’s and hospitals. I manage her life, meds, dr., braces, nurses etc. Where do we live though?
That is the question I want to make answer’s too. When I get to heaven I want to walk into the open field I have seen Katie Grace in over and over and I want to lay down in the green grass next to her and hold hands as we talk about our adventures together on earth. I want to get lost in her voice as she tells me what is was like when we drove her to Seattle. How high the Ferris Wheel was and how it made her heart happy. How smelly and loud the fish market was and how she couldn’t wait to get out of there. Or how she loved driving with her daddy and I, the singing and the laugher her favorite. Or listening to her brother jump on the bed and wrestling matches.
We are no longer just surviving! We are living. I cried out for the Lord to help me run this race well, and He has showed me the way.
Prepare yourself baby girl….this is about to get fun.