Some days I think you could literally cut me in two and you would have two whole people standing before you. Like the contents in me is not one whole person but two whole persons stuffed into one. One part of me is in love with people. Like madly in love with them. ALL of them. Not anyone in particular…just basically whoever I met. This lover of people person is also loud. Like you know they are in the room loud. Even when I plan on being quiet, I am loud. This loud lover of people person is not known for their follow through. Great ideas, not always the best action. This side needs fun, laughter and an adventure. It’s my people loving loud grandious idea fun adventure side.
Then there is the other side. A quiet side that craves silence and stillness. Wakes up early to drink coffee and think in silence type. A early waking silence craving side that loves deep melancholy music that generates emotions that haven’t been felt yet. This side likes people in small doses and small groups. This side has to have structure and follow through. It is my early waking silence craving melancholy music loving people liking structure having side.
I have been this way as long as I can remember. And I am pretty sure thus far I have spent my lifetime negotiating this very fact. Cause you see, they are quite opposite. Loud and quiet. LOVE people and only likes people. No follow through and follow through. My loud people loving side disappoints my silence seeking melancholy side ALOT! I get grandiose plans and then have no way of following through with them. Or I will hang out with people and people and people all the while my quiet side is searching frantically for silence. Sometimes my loud side gets frustrated with my quiet side because it wants to go and do. It wants to embrace life and create the feelings that the quiet side experiences through music.
To say that some days I am a ball of emotions is a slight understatement. It would be a good time here to give props to my husband who is learning the weather the storms of my simple being. You see maturing for me as a person, is learning how to validate both parts of me. It is learning to love both parts. To appreciate the need for silence and structure and order and deep music that feeds the soul. To also appreciate the loudness, to embrace the humor, and fun. To let that part of me go wild cause it needs freedom. And while it is being wild, to create structure amidst it. Maturing means speaking kindly to myself about how I am wired. It means teaching my wild side to love structure. To not shame myself for waking early to drink coffee in silence. To not think myself weird that my most favorite place to be alone and quiet is coffee shops full of people.
It is to look at my two separate and very opposites selfs and say, you are the most perfect ball of contradiction full of love and depth. Perfectly designed in a spectacular way to change the world. Opposite or not.