Crawling into bed tonight I stopped to take a few minutes to just stare at my sweet baby girl. There is just something about babies all snuggled in bed that makes the world seem perfect.

I stood there over her crib…brushed my fingers through her fine red hair and just stared into those greenish hazelish eyes that should have been closed but weren’t. I wondered what she was thinking… What thoughts were racing through her mind. Then this thought randomly hit me. When her baby sister is in the room I wonder if their spirits are going to run and play together while we sleep?
This would be an amazing way to announce a pregnancy but this is not an pregnancy announcement. I am not anywhere near pregnant. It’s not that we haven’t talked about it, we have and we for sure want more. We are waiting though.
It was just a different thought, to think of your children knowing each other more in the spiritual the the physical. Like does Katie Grace already know her siblings? The ones to come. Does she run in the heavenly fields with them? Do they play hide n go seek with Jesus? Do they laugh with each other and do each others hair as they would here on earth? Does she have more brothers?
As I type these questions, I can hear this voice inside of me…it says of course they do. Of course she knows…she is already whispering to them the secrets of their Momma’s heart. Your other children already see you through the eyes of love Katie grace see’s you through. She is also an older sister.
Then if that is true that makes me wonder does her heart hurt that she can’t be here like normal siblings do? Does she look at Isaac and ache to hold him? Ache to be able to connect with him? To hold his gaze? To show her delight in him? Would it be hard for her to have more siblings and not be able to express her heart?
Are all of these questions real in way? Or are they just the ramblings of a tired momma who got lost in the eyes of her extraordinary child?

I just wonder.

It’s times like these that I wish I could make myself incredibly small so I could walk the insides of my daughter. That I could travel through the venues of her heart and know all the nooks and crannies. So that when I get lost in her eyes again… I could walk away knowing instead of wondering.

2 thoughts on “Wondering

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  1. I love this! I am friends with your sister down here in temecula. I also have a daughter very similar to Katie Grace. Just want to share with you something my mom shared with me. A while back she was talking to The Father about Julianna (my daughter) and how she feels so bad that Julianna misses out on so much because she has to stay home. God basically told her “she sees more in the Spirit than you can imagine.” Someone else has also shared with my mom that people like Julianna and Katie Grace that are trapped in a broken body do quite a bit of traveling in the spirit realm. I truly believe they have a relationship with God the Father we can only dream of. 🙂 Julianna is coming up on her 11th birthday and I feel like we have almost seen it all. Feel free to email or you can get my number from Jessie. I’m available to talk or pray with you anytime.


    1. Carly I am so sorry it took me so long to reply. Thank you for
      Your comment I Appreciate it so much. This is for sure a journey with mixed emotion. One I don’t know that I would want to do again but also one I am beyond grateful for. I guess I could say that about all the parts of life’s journey that don’t “feel” good. I know God in a way I never knew him before. I have seen pieces of him that I think only KG should show me and that I am forever grateful for. I for sure believe also that KG is up in heaven just running the show with The Lord. Just saying that makes my heart swell with even more love for her.


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