I still have moments when I see this scene play out before me. A scene I wish would just stop. A scene that I don’t really want to happen but at the same time I crave it happening. A scene that brings; this justice my flesh so longs for. It’s this scene of standing on a stage any stage really before the two people who on some level destroyed me the most. Two people whom I trusted to love and care for me, and instead of love and trust they gave me betrayal and manipulation and called it love.
It’s me and these two people on a stage in front of an audience and it’s us laying it all out there. Where they honestly attack me and tell me all that I think is wrong and not righteous and then I in return cut down their lies with the truth of reality. I take the lies that they fed me and called truth, back at them. I lay before them in fleshy anger the hurt and pain that they laid upon my heart. I finally get to pull our story out from under the rug in which they have swept us and put it out there for people to see. It shamefully invigorates my soul to be the one who rips the sheep’s clothing off the wolf and show them for what they are. deceivers, manipulators, and abusers.
Starting over though calls for me to let this scene go. I calls for me to stop being the exposer of all things. It is not my duty or my job to make sure the rest of the world be weary of this couple. It is not my job to reveal the wolf in sheep’s clothing. It is not my job to shame or embarrass this couple into cleaning up the huge mess that they made with us. It is not my job to decide that the relationship that they had with Charles and I, will be repeated with other people.
My heart and soul tells me otherwise. Common sense tells me otherwise. People who don’t repent and go back and truly deal with the people that they have offended and hurt; they generally stay the same. People who don’t clean up their mess, they just move on and create it in a different place with different people. Charles and I did a lot of repenting when we first left the couple. We called a lot of people, and I know that to this day there are still some people I hope to run into……people I hope will still grant me forgiveness. The Lord knows I have made a lot of messes along the way also.
I guess it’s hard. It’s hard to let it go. How do you say to a couple whom you gave everything too. All your money, all your time, everything. How do you say to them go on…live…don’t make amends. Don’t face the world you created here just move on and pretend like everything is good. How do you just let it go, when this couple who were to have your best interest in mind, tell people to not give you anything when you leave. We left with no money in bank, no place to live at first, we had nothing but each other and a 5 month old baby, and they told mutual friends of ours that if they were to support us, give us money to help out or anything God would curse them. Have we received an apology for that? Have either Charles or I received a call that said hey I am so sorry that we did. I am so sorry we betrayed and hurt you. I am so sorry we deceived others about who you are? No we haven’t…and will we?…most likely not. There are some who would want me to think that this couple has changed; however actions speak louder than words and thus far there have been no actions. And those some people they haven’t necessarily called to hear our side of the story…and I don’t know how you can think you have the whole story when you have only heard one side.
And so my heart…just sees injustice after injustice after injustice and I want to stand on that stage and rip off the sheep’s clothing, yelping out the injustices and calling down righteousness.
Starting over though calls me to let this go. Starting over calls me to say instead, what will be will be. It is this couple’s right to sweep our story under the rug of their life. It is the right of the some people around them who don’t want to hear our side of the story, to stay uniformed. This life does not come with the guarantee that justice will look like how we want or happen they way we believe it should. Starting over calls me to triumph that truth. It calls me to step up into a person of grace, mercy and forgiveness. It calls me continue to take my eyes off of the hurts and instead place them on the good that can come of it. The good like an amazing husband, two fantastic kids, a mind-boggling story that leaves people jaw dropped, a closer relationship with the Lord, life principles learned the hard way, and a heart of gratitude for freedom. If I keep the scene playing out, crying out for my justice and I lose all the good in the hurt. And that isn’t what starting over is about.
Everyday I am going to wake up and if that scene plays I am going to deal with. I am going to try to refocus my eyes…I am going to start over. Every time.