If you could..

I am not one to regret. Not that I don’t have times of regret…moments that I look back on and think “ooh I wish I had done that differently,” I for sure have those. I just think those moments are necessary to a wonderful life. It is those moments I believe that help us become better. It’s those moments that teach us…things about ourselves, things about life, and things about the people around us. Regret is one of the reason why if I could read a book containing all that happened and will ever happen in my life, I wouldn’t. ( I have to read it cover to cover if I read it. ) I think that there is too much valuable information and experiences in the living of life, to have it taken away but knowing what is to come.

Now don’t get me wrong, does it sound sweet to know what is coming up?? Yes! I am a planner…I love to know! I love to know how to plan so I can know how to respond and how to feel. I love knowing what to expect. Not knowing is not easy for me. And you can bet it sounds sweet to know what happens with my Katie Grace. It would be amazing to just know, how long is she going to live, what will it look like, will it be graceful and beautiful and sweet. Or does it get ugly and more painful and I watch her slowly and painfully die in front of me. What doctors do I take to her, how helpful are they, how many more hospitals visits..etc. etc. I would LOVE to know the future of her life. I would LOVE to know how to plan…..how to prepare my heart. So reading the book sounds sweet!

Then there is regret and what it teaches me. I look back at the first year of her life and think I could have done this better. I have regretted not getting a nurse earlier, or not figuring out she was allergic to the food we were feeding her earlier. Those things would have been nice to have in place a lot earlier then we got them but I learned with them. I learned myself and my daughter in the process. I don’t regret now. I don’t look back and say I was awful because I didn’t or I should have known. I just look back and say okay, I learned and all I can do is keeping learning. I can keep doing life and learning along the way.

So maybe it isn’t regret but learning that I would miss if I read the book of my life. I don’t mind learning, even the hard things. They aren’t fun, they aren’t easy but they are a necessary part of life. I don’t regret moving to Georgia and disappearing into the depths of a family cult basically for three years. I learned A LOT! It would have been easier to learn another way but I didn’t choose that way. And it is okay. And on top of that I got Charles David and two of the most amazing kids out of the journey; a journey that isn’t even over yet. I wouldn’t want to miss out on all of that by knowing ahead of time what is to come.

I for sure wouldn’t read the book.

What about you? Would you read it? Would you want to know?

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