Do you ever have those moments when you just need to write but you are so caught up in the reality of life and the chores to get done that you can’t for the life of you figure out what to write. I am in one those modes…have been for like 4 days now. I want to just sit and write and I know there have been life things happening that should make that easy. However I find myself instead drawing a blank about what to write. About what to share…yet the need to write just sits there on my chest. So I decided to share that awkwardness with you. If I can’t think of anything to write…I will write random to just meet the need to write.
Please bare with this uninspired writer.
I think sometimes I feel this about being a mom. My life is pretty scheduled and there are times when I miss the days of a barely any schedule. The freedom to plan trips without worry. I have friends all over the country that I would love to visit. Llama in hawaii, Randi, Michele, Tanya, in the South, Ellie in Flordia, Eudster and Bug in Southern California. Sometimes I think I find myself unispired and I miss being free…for lack of better terms. I had things that were my own…like my life…it was my own. I went where I wanted to and ate what I wanted to, shopped where I wanted to and basically did what I wanted to on some level. I could just pack up and move and do. I look back and I wish I had embraced that freedom more, that I had traveled more and experienced more. I remember hoping in my car and driving to Arizona for a weekend visit with my bestie Ellie, I would leave on a Friday and head back on a Sunday. Why? Cause I could. I had no other responsibilities, nobody else depending on me to make then breakfast, schedule their day, or naps or anything. I could just go.
I know that there are parents who make that life doable for them with kids. They just live that life and their children learn how to manage with their parents. And I applaud them and probably there is a part of me that is a little jealous of that.
My babes aren’t really wired that way, well I could probably get away with it with Isaac but not my KG. She has rules about traveling! LOL! So I find myself sometimes just longing. And it’s not a longing like I wish I didn’t have what I have. I love what I have. I look at my sweet boy and I see him living life and I have to say, seeing life through his eyes is soo much more then I could imagine. He takes this delight in life that I have long lost with my childhood. And it brings it so much closer to me, and it reminds me to tap into myself. To shut down the responsibilites for a minute and just see life as if I were a child again. I wouldn’t change that. I wouldn’t change seeing life through his eyes for anything. Same with my girl, although it looks different. I view life different because of her, and how she sees life.
I think a part of me expects me to not miss traveling and the ease of life without kiddos. I think I shouldn’t have any other desire other then to just take complete fulfillment in being their mom. And maybe I am being to hard on myself. Maybe those desires are there for a reason…maybe those desires will never die. Just like when I was young and single and doing whatever I wanted, the desire to have kids and be married never died. I was 25 when I married Charles and I wasn’t sure I was ever going to find anybody, but I still couldn’t drop the desire to be married and to have children. I wanted to have these little beings that were created in me, and I wanted to nuture them and raise them, and I wanted more then anything to share in life them. I wanted the chance to see life through their eyes! So maybe is not death to one or the other but the ability to enjoy each season for when they come. At some point in my life my children will be grown and out on their own, and a freedom will return. A freedom to do what I want when I want. A freedom to not live on another’s schedule. But until then I can hold onto the desire, I can hopefully find ways to fit that into our lives now, so that my children can experience that. So that children will not miss out on life. They will not miss out on expereinces and traveling. We do learn from our parents, my mom and dad drove us across country as kids for summer trips. I have been to almost every state. Guess its where I get my love of traveling.
As I am writing this on the fly I am not sure if it makes any sense and as I have a little boy standing in front of me waiting oh so patiently to go for a walk to get out of the house, I am opting not to proof read. I might spell check but not proof read so please excuse any incomplete thoughts, scentences, phrases, etc.
It’s time to travel with my man child!
p.s my writing desire need feels met, I am hoping this erases the writes block!