You ever have one of those
days weeks where it’s like no matter how hard you try…you just can’t get it right. So then you try harder and it still doesn’t work. Then you are burnt out and don’t care anymore so your just raw and super emotional, which basically sucks for everybody around you.
Yeah, my last week was like that. Well…guess I should be honest…I am still like that. This morning I called one of my favorites, my Ellie. Sweet thing I didn’t even say hi before my voice cracked and the tears were pouring out. Of course I am pretty sure she thought that Katie Grace had died or something horrible like that. And maybe I left her in suspense for 10 minutes because I couldn’t really talk. It was like jumbled teary words squealing out of my mouth. When I finally breathed, I was able to say, It’s not Katie Grace…I just think I am a big fat failure and basically a horrible person. Why can I not ever seem to do things rightly.
Instantaneously she said oh your not horrible. Which of course was all my heart needed to hear. Then she reminded me that it’s the imperfections that we love about each other. That her and I made messes all the time together and we still love each other. “You have to let yourself be yourself, messes and all, because it let’s us love you messes and all.” (Yeah I know she is amazing. The best college roommate and best friend one could ask for.) Then she said “Katie you are passionate, we all know this about you. You feel everything, and sometimes it’s intense and way too much and other times it’s life giving. We love you for all of it. Not just the stuff that makes us feel good. You are worth the messes.”
I totally changed my heart and perspective for today and I needed it. Sometimes with everything I am juggling in life I think I have to do it perfect. I have to interact perfectly and I have to handle everything, make sure everybody is okay. I can’t. It is too much weight for one person. I need to be free and let people be free with me. I am going to make messes, I am going to make mistakes, I need to be free to let those who love me…love me through that.
I guess I just forget. And I hate hurting people’s feelings. I used to not mind so much but now a days…it just makes me sad. I was rough when I was in college, I was that get over it girl. Quit whining…move on. Almost no compassion. Now a days, I don’t want to be that but I also don’t want to be the opposite and then get angry and upset. I guess I just want to be an even kill person, some one who just is steadfast and loyal. However I am thinking I am not wired that way…and I guess I just have to learn to love that about me. And trust that I am worth it to those around me. I am worth that roller-coaster that I can be.
Kelly Clarkson basically nailed it with this song.
Thanks for putting it like this Kelly…it’s like aloe vera to my burnt out soul today.